It was Friday night in the down part of town, the drunks hadn't sobered up from the night before.

 

It was the 1^st day of February and I was on my way to a Valentine's Dance. Hey, I like to be early.

 

My name's Bond, Wannarbe Bond. I'm 5'10, weigh in at too many lbs. and I'm dynamite in tricky situations - it's a hereditary medical condition that may be terminal.

 

As I walked through the door of the Spicy and Hot Nite Club I could hear the sounds of The Reluctant Virgins all female rock band playing. They were famous for their brass section. The oral sax player was unbelievable.

 

A full size Barbie doll was standing at the door, but when I looked more closely I recognised most of her accessories had once belonged to Pamela Anderson. Her dress was out of place, and so was my imagination.

 

I said, "Hi there, dollface, Is this the place for sex, drugs and rock'n'roll? She looked me up and down, noting where I placed my I.D. and said, "Well, the sex is D.I.Y., the drugs are B.Y.O., and the music is Rhythm and Blues."

 

"That's O.K." I said, "I'm Catholic, and whenever I forget the rhythm method it makes me blue anyhow."

 

She laughed and it set my XY chromosomes looking for partners.

 

I began to walk in but she said, "Hey we're pretty fussy who we let in here - and you look like a fella I'd like to forget."

 

Now I'd heard this kind of talk before. It sounded cheap and nasty, just how I like it. I could see we were going to get on great.

 

It was a square sort of dive, even the female impersonators were women, Everyone in disguise. And in the dark it was hard to tell de guys from de gals, unless you used Braille. And I know from experience that gets you into trouble.

 

It turned out the gal's name was Trixie, and boy, did she live up to it. I asked her to dance, and as we sashayed our bodies meshed to the cadenza of poker machines. She clung to me like poison ivy, and there were parts of me getting a rash.

 

I asked her if she wanted a drink.

 

"Sure she said, an Elvis Presley special".

 

This was new to me until she added, "I wanna be All Shook Up."

 

Now this is an invitation you don't get too often, so I began to maneuver her towards the bar. We kept bumping into other couples who had got stuck playing leap frog, when she suddenly gasped and ran from the dance floor.

 

"Hey, what's the big idea, ditching me in front of strangers", I asked her, pulling her towards me so that we looked like Siamese twins.

 

"I'm sorry Wannarbe" she crooned, "But my boyfriend has just walked in.

 

I turned and saw a big dude with most of his DNA missing. He strutted over and stood in front of me like a towering inferno. His belly was so big his trousers hung on hope, barely covering his faith, and having little to do with charity. It was difficult to realise he was the product of a million years of civilisation.

 

I could see the glint of a knife in the top of his sox and knew it wasn't there as part of a designer label.

 

"Hey pal, let me introduce myself" he said. "My name's Razor Sharp, and if you don't leave my girlfriend alone you'll find yourself with more slices than a cut loaf"

 

"Sure Razor" I said, "but you won't mind if I call you Rusty".

 

He growled like a centipede with new shoes and came at me like a kamikaze pilot with attitude.

 

"You can't hit me I sneered, don't you know I'm a coward?."

 

He stopped in his tracks thinking it over. I made my move.

 

BIFF, BAM, BABOOM. Batman would have been proud of me. KERPLONK, KAZAM, I shouted again in full voice - but still he kept coming.

 

He used his Jackie Chan moves and I counteracted with Charley's Angels. It was a close call. He had me in a half-Nelson, bent over double and I felt my eyeballs were going to pop.

 

And then it happened.

 

Dynamite.

 

I looked around the room, it was empty. All but for Trixie. She was looking at me with stars in her eyes.

 

A Pest Exterminator" she said, "hey that accounts for the strange smell."

 

"Well, that's one way of describing it" I agreed, "but I prefer to think of myself as a Private Eye."

 

"Hey a Peeping Tom" she said with a shiver of anticipation that made all her body parts move in different direction. "Why, what a turn on."